FUNKEY HUMOR
|
Beware of female blonde morticians!!!! A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says. 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.' |
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: WHO SAYS MEN
DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
"Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that, too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
A blonde finds herself in serious financial trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery. "Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lottery night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...."Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Rye Bread
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He
said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you
like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves.
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get
to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world
knows about this shit but me."
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
A woman scanned the guests at a party
and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him.
'My name is Carmen,' she told him.
'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'
'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the
things I like Most -- cars and men.'
'What's your name?' she asked.
He said, 'Bob Titsenbeer'
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Two
little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other
outside the operating room---the first
surgeries of the day.
The
first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little
nervous.'
The
first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I
was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of
Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze.'
The
second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'
The
first kid says, 'A circumcision.'
Whoa!'
the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year.'
__________________________________________________________________
The
local news station was
interviewing an 80-year-old
lady because she
had
just gotten married -- for
the fourth time. The
interviewer asked
her questions about her
life, about what it felt
like to be marrying
again at 80, and then about
her new husband's
occupation. 'He's a
funeral director,' she
answered.
'Interesting,' the newsman
thought. He then asked her
if she wouldn't
mind telling him a little
about her first three
husbands and what they
did for a living.
She paused for a few
moments, needing time to
reflect on all those
years. After a short time, a
smile came to her face and
she answered
proudly, explaining that
she'd first married a banker
when she was in
her early 20's, then a
circus ringmaster when in
her 40's, later on a
preacher when in her 60's,
and now in her 80's, a
funeral director.
The interviewer looked at
her, quite astonished, and
asked why she had
married four men with such
diverse careers. She
smiled and
explained, 'I married one
for the money, two for the
show, three to get
ready, and four to go.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
A Florida senior citizen drove his
brand new Corvette convertible out
of the
dealership. Taking off down the
road, he floored it to 80 mph,
enjoying the
wind blowing through what little
hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew
down I-75, pushing the pedal even
more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he
saw the highway patrol behind him,
blue
lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100mph, then 110,
then 120.
Suddenly he thought, "What
am I doing? I'm too old for this,"
and pulled over to await the
Trooper's
arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper
walked up to the Corvette, looked at
his
watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends
in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.
If you can give me a reason for
speeding that I've never heard
before, I'll
let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then said,
"Years ago, my wife ran off with a
Florida State Trooper. I thought you
were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the
Trooper.
__________________________________________________________________________
Subject: TOP TEN THOUGHTS FOR 2007
Number 10
Life
is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate
at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you
see him without an erection, make him a
sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a
day; teach a person to use the Internet and they
won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ... not really
good for anything, but you still can't help but
smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00
and a substantial tax cut saves you $0.30?
Number 2
In the '60's, people took acid to make the world
weird. Now the world is weird and people take
Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2007:
We know exactly where one cow with
Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions
and millions of cows in America , but we haven't
got a clue as to where thousands of illegal
immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we
should put the Department of Agriculture in
charge of immigration.
And the
BONUS thought for today
"Life is like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow".
________________________________________________________________
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....
"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!"
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
>The husband had just finished
reading a new book entitled "You Can Be
>the Man of Your House".
He stormed to his wife in
the kitchen.
"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this
>house and my word is law! You will prepare me a
gourmet meal tonight,
>and when
I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous
>dessert.
After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me and we will
>have the
kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me
>a bath so I
can relax. You will wash my back and towel dry me and bring
>me my robe.
Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow,
>guess who's
going to dress me and comb my hair?"
>The wife
replied, ..."The fuckin' funeral director would be my guess."
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
The Very First
Blonde Guy Joke
An Irishman, a Mexican and a
Blonde Guy were working on construction 20 floors up and out on the
scaffolding .
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Picture on the Night Stand
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another
Man on her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks..
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers..
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
___________________________________________________________________
Subject: Soap & Chinese Laundry
>
> A woman was unhappy with the way her
laundry was done at the local Chinese
> laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in
the laundry bag with the next
> collection of soiled clothes........
>
> "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES"
>
> When she got the laundry back she was
still dissatisfied, so she put
> another note in the next collection bag
that said.
>
> "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!!!!!"
>
> The Chinese laundryman became annoyed and
when he delivered the clean
> laundry it containe d a note from him.
>
> I USED PLENTY OF SOAP ON PANTIES!!!!
USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!!!!
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
A guy
goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, " Have you been in the service?"
Yes," he says. "I was in the armed forces for three years"
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward
employment"
and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes, 100%. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my
testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can
hire you right now. The hours
are from 8:00 A M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at
10:00A.M. "
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00
P.M., then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M. ?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two
hours
we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in
for that."
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
> A man and
his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three
>
>> kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their
honor.
>>
>> "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry
I'm
>> running late... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't
have
>> time to get you both a present."
>>
>> "Not to worry," said the dad.. "the important thing is that we're
all
>> here together today."
>>
>> Son number two arrived and announced, "you and Mom still look
great,
>> Dad, I just flew in from L. A.. . .and didn't have time to get
you a
>> present... Sorry."
>>
>> "It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."
>> Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy
>> Anniversary!
>>
>> I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was
really
>> busy packing...... so I didn't have time to get you guys
anything."
>>
>> Again the father said, "I really don't care , at least the five
>> of us are together today."
>>
>> After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his
knife
>> and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you,
there's
>> something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long
time.
>> You see, we were very poor.
Despite this, we were able to raise each
>> of you and send you to college. All through the years your
Mother
>> and I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just
never found
>> the time to get married."
>>
>> The three kids gasped and said, "You mean we're bastards?"
>>
>> "Yep, "said the dad, "and cheap ones, too."
A little boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
A crusty old Sergea
nt Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation."Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said,
"1955, ma'am."
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice,
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
LOVE MAKING
The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I
go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a
da bed in ecstacy."
The Frenchman replies. "zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love
with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body, and zen Ah lick za soles of
her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above
ze bed in pure ecstacy."
The Redneck says, "That aint nothing. When I've finished porkin the ole
lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my weener on the
curtains. She hits the freakin' ceiling."
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
"Bartender, got any specials today?"
Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of
Fact we have a new drink, invented by
A gynecologist patron of ours.
It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."
The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"
The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir."
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
> WINTER BLONDE
> >>Talking Dog
________________________________________________________
Men strike back!
How
many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick
up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing
machine
will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that
allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say
something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told
me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't.
There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife is
yelling at the front door, who do you let in
first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let
him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that
diminishes a woman's
sex drive by 90%.
It's called a
Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God
created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Wrong Answer
A woman, standing nude,
looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her
husband, "I feel
horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a
compliment."
The husband
replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, " you know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle".
_____________________________________________________________________
The way it was
|
> a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. > > Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, > but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." > > My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make > DAMN sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed! |
_____________________________________________________________________________________
REDNECK VACATION
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob
tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.
Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few
years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last
year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get
pregnant
again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's
different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."
Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
and repeat ''I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.''
It worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
to his wife like never before.
the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Bodybuilder and the Blonde
A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her
home with him.
He takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a
great chest you
have." The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of
dynamite, baby."
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What
massive calves you
have." The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs.
of
dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes
running out of the
Apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his
clothes back on
and chases after her. He catches Up to her and asks why
she ran out of
the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that
dynamite after I
saw how short the fuse was."
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive
woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
"Beertits," he said.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around
with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
___________________________________________________________________________
Guys, . Read & Heed !!!!!
|
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and
local pubs to be
alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called
"Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book. |
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to
Jerusalem.
While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The
undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for
$5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for
$150.
The man thought about it and told him he would just have
her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to
ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful
to be buried here and you would spend only $150.
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried
here, and three days later he rose from the dead.......I
just can't take that chance
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
> > A man and a bird
"A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and
the right amount of money would always be there."
but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl
"Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!" And the
guy lived happily ever after and went
fishing, hunting and played
golf a lot and drank beer and farted
whenever he wanted.
THE END
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Men Remember Anniversaries too!!!!
> >
> >A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not
in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the dining room table with a cup of coffee in front
of him.
> >He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She
watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
> >
> >"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the
room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
> >
> >The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were
dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly.
> >
> >The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so
caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The
words are not coming easily.
> > "Do you remember when your mother caught us behind the couch
making love?" "Yes, I remember." says the wife, lowering herself into a
chair
beside him.
> >
> >The husband continues..."Do you remember when she shoved a
shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send
you
to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too." she replies softly.
> >
> >He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have
gotten out today."
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
>> There's
nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists
>> that
>> you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of
>> other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love
the
>> way
>> this old guy handled it.
>>
>> An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he
>> approached
>> the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you
>> seeing the doctor for today?"
>>
>> "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
>>
>> The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into
a
>> crowded office and say things like that."
>>
>> "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
>>
>> The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment
in
>> this room full of people. You should have said there is
>> something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the
problem
>> further with the doctor in private."
>>
>> The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of
>> others,
>> if the answer could embarrass anyone."
>>
>> The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered. The
>> receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
>>
>> "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist
nodded
>> approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
>>
>> "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
>>
>> "I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
>>
>> The doctor's office erupted in uncontrollable laughter.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
A kleptomaniac woman who had
been caught shoplifting in a supermarket, had
to appear in court, and took along her long-suffering husband for
marital
support. The prosecution proved that the alleged theft had in fact taken
place, and the judge told her that, considering her prior record, he
was
forced to impose a jail term.
"This time you stole
a can of tomatoes," said the judge. "Let us suppose that there
were six tomatoes in the can. Do you agree?"
The woman agreed.
"Then I sentence you to six nights in
jail."
The husband jumped to his feet and said, "Your honor, may I approach
the bench?"
"Well," said the judge, "this is
somewhat unusual, but I'll make an
exception in this case. You may approach the bench."
The husband wasted no time walking to the bench. Leaning forward, he
said
in a low voice, "Your honor, she also stole a can of peas."
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
HE SAID......SHE SAID......
>He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
>She said . . . You wear pants don't you?>
>He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?>She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
>>He said. . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
>She said . . . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!>
>He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?>She said . . . I would but you're never there.
>>He said . . . Why did the man cross the road?
>She said. . . He heard the chicken was a slut.>
>He said . . . Why don't women blink during foreplay?>She said . . . They don't have time
>>He said . . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
>She said . . . We don't know; it has never happened.>
>He said . . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?>She said . . . They already have boyfriends.
>>He said . . . What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
>She said . . . A widow.>
>He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?>She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
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NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN